Inspired By: "Hello, Goodbye"
by pari106
Summary: A collection of drabbles and shorts. Chapter 5: Max's POV. Chapter 6 continues the tradition of ending these series with a little A/L :) Alec's POV.
1. "Hands Clean"

Hands Clean  
by pari106  
  
"Now flash forward to a few years later  
and no one knows it 'cept the both of us  
and I have honored your request for silence  
and you've   
washed your hands clean of this."  
  
-Alanis Morisette, "Hands Clean"  
  
Code: Logan/Asha; M/L tone; short  
Rating: PG  
Disclaimer: DA is not mine  
Spoilers: minor for "Hello, Goodbye"  
  
Summary: Just some more of Asha's thoughts on the situation with her, Logan, and Max. This time from   
after episode 17.  
  
  
  
Hands Clean  
by pari106  
  
"She broke up with me."  
  
Yeah, she did.  
  
I want to say I didn't expect it. Well… Okay. Maybe 'expect' isn't the right word. But let's not go there.  
  
Anyhow, I want to say *something* comforting. But I'm not sure what. I guess cause I'm not sure what I   
think about this; what I feel. So how can I help Logan work out his own feelings?  
  
I wanted to say something to Max, too. When she really needed it – while Logan was maybe dying and we   
were just waiting around to see what would happen. But the words stuck in my throat. What could I say to   
her?  
  
What could I say while she was blaming herself for him needing that blood transfusion in the first place?   
The truth is, I was blaming her, too, even though I tried not to. What could I say while she was stressing   
that it was all her fault? It was. I know it's not that simple, but sometimes it seems like it ought to be.  
  
I don't know. To be honest, I've never known what to say to Max. For all the times I've said I understand   
how hard this virus and everything must be on her…for all the respect I have for her and Logan… And   
God knows I respect Logan; I want him to be happy. The thing is I'd kinda like to be happy, too. I'd like   
to be with Logan. Max constantly complains about how she's lost her chance to be with him. And what do   
you say to a person who's lost their chance with someone, when you want the same chance that they had?   
When you've had that chance and lost it, too? Now matter how badly you might feel for that person, you   
just don't feel right saying anything.  
  
And I do feel bad for Max. I really do. But this virus thing has been hard on me, too. Listening to Max   
complain about how Logan can't touch her…knowing he can touch me, but isn't going to. Listening to her   
talk about how she can't touch him… Knowing she never has; not really. Not like I have.  
  
Yeah, I've touched Logan. I've *been* with Logan. He's been with me. There was a time when I had that   
privilege. When Logan could not only touch me, but did.  
  
There was a time when Logan did a lot of things for me. Things he only ever does for Max now. A time   
when I was the one he used to cook for. When I was the one he used to call at odd hours, just to talk.   
When I was more than just a partner or just a friend or whatever it is I am to him now.  
  
A memory? Is that what I am? A secret little part of his past he doesn't like sharing with anyone anymore.   
Not even me?  
  
And that time between us is definitely a thing of the past. No one else even knows it ever existed. And I   
feel bad for Max, having lost the power to touch. But there are worse fates. Like losing the power to   
speak, as I have. Losing the power to speak about the happiest, most important time of your life.  
  
At least Max can do that; at least she can talk about it. She can bitch about the virus till she's blue in her   
pretty face if she wants; whine to anyone who'll listen. No one seems to mind. Logan certainly doesn't.   
Hell, the only time Max even acknowledges that they were a couple is when she's complaining how they   
aren't anymore.   
  
But I can't do that. Because I know Logan doesn't like it when I bring up the past. He thinks it would   
complicate an already complicated situation if Max knew we'd been lovers. Sometimes…I think he'd like   
it if the past hadn't been in the first place. He certainly treats it that way.  
  
So I don't know what to say to Max when she worries about hurting Logan. Not while I'm worried about   
the same thing, even though Logan's hurt me already. I don't know what to say when max worries about   
the virus. She thinks the worst thing that can happen in a relationship is for one person's touch to become   
poison. I think it's much worse when one person has wiped their hands clean of the other, so that touch   
isn't even a concern. I think it's much worse to be forgotten, than forbidden.   
  
But perhaps I don't have to tell Max that. Perhaps she's figured it out for herself. Because she did break it   
off with Logan, after all. Is she trying to forget, too? Trying to wipe her hands clean?  
  
"She broke up with me," Logan says, and I don't know what to say back.  
  
Then I say something to shut him up. Because why should I always be the one trying to think of something   
comforting to say? While everyone else can only talk about themselves?  
  
So I bring up Alec and Max.  
  
"Sometimes I think they'd make the perfect couple…"  
  
Max uses touch as her reason to keep distance. Logan uses silence to achieve it. Why shouldn't I use   
words to do the same?  
  
Logan doesn't mention Max again all evening. 


	2. "Pretty Faces, Terrible Things"

Pretty Faces, Terrible Things  
by pari106  
  
pari106@hotmail.com; http://www.geocities.com/pari106/damain.html  
Disclaimer: DA is not mine; Rating: PG; Code: short (of exactly 250 words); Alec, Max  
Spoilers: "Hello, Goodbye"  
  
Summary: Alec's thoughts.  
  
  
  
"Such a pretty face to do such terrible things."  
  
You give me a withering look as I say this. But, you know, I wasn't just talking about Ben. Or myself. I   
was talking about you, Max.  
  
Why do you do the things you do? To me? To anyone? Why do you say the things you say?  
  
Why can't you ever do anything *for* me? Just to be nice? Even something as simple as believing in me.   
After all this time. Just believing that I'm not as bad as you'd like to think I am. Just at those times when I   
have trouble believing in myself.  
  
I told Asha once that you were a broken toy. I was right. You've been broken ever since Ben. I can see   
that now. Cause I think you did more, in that forest, than break Ben's neck to protect him from what   
Manticore would do to him. I think you broke something in yourself. To protect yourself from what you   
had to do to him.  
  
And now you're broken. It's why you can't behave like a whole person. Why you can't treat other people   
like a whole person does.   
  
It's funny how pretty broken things can be.  
  
It's a shame how terrible pretty people can act.  
  
It's a shame you can't see past this pretty face, Max, or your own. That you can't see how, maybe, the only   
people we can count on, to help put back all the pieces, are ourselves. And each other. 


	3. "The Biggest Walls..."

The Biggest Walls…  
by pari106  
  
pari106@hotmail.com; http://www.geocities.com/pari106/damain.html; Disclaimer: DA   
is not mine; Rating: PG; Code: Short; Spoilers: "Hello, Goodbye". Summary: Alec's   
thoughts after having realized Max used him to keep Logan away. Somehow inspired by   
Aimee Mann's "Build that Wall" (from the "Magnolia" soundtrack).   
  
  
  
The Biggest Walls…  
by pari106  
  
"She's been a long time on the phone  
Courting disaster in an undertone…"  
  
She's on the phone again. She's called Logan. Again.  
  
She does that more and more often now. While she swears up and down that she wants   
the break-up to stick.   
  
And I'm around more and more often to see her prove herself wrong.  
  
"…maybe it's one where time will tell  
Maybe it's one where it's just fare-thee-well…  
How could anyone ever fight it?"  
  
I don't know which part of this equation is the craziest. The fact that she's using some   
made-up affair with me to keep Logan at a distance? Or the fact that I'm letting her?   
  
"Who could ever expect to fight it when she builds that wall…"  
  
But it's like I said…with Max, somehow, I've always gotta be the bad guy. Even when   
I'm just trying to do the right thing. And keeping Logan away is the right thing. Just like   
I tried to tell Max before.  
  
So I let her let Logan believe whatever the hell he wants to believe about us. I let her let   
him think there's something going on. I let her use me to build a wall between her and   
Logan. For her own good. And his. 'Cause she needs that wall between them. He needs   
it. And Max can't build it on her own.   
  
"You couldn't pin this one on me.  
You knew my thoughts so far as I could see  
Well, I'd say it's hopeless  
But you make the call  
'Cause I never was one to fight it  
And if given the chance I guess I'll learn to   
Build that Wall…"  
  
So what if it makes me look like the bad guy here? Again. Always. What's being a   
good guy ever gotten anybody? What has it ever gotten Logan?  
  
Right?  
  
Besides… Sometimes it's better for everybody if somebody plays the bad guy.   
Sometimes everybody needs a nice wall to protect them from the things they can't have.   
  
Sometimes the biggest walls we have to build, are the ones between ourselves…and   
ourselves. The parts of ourselves that want the things we can't have all the more because   
we can't have them. And Max wants to be with Logan more than anything else.   
  
But I don't think she realizes that the biggest wall she has to build, isn't between her and   
Logan. It's between Max and herself; between her and the part of her that can't let him   
go. No matter how far apart they become or how dangerous it is… She can't ever let   
him go.  
  
And the biggest wall I have to build is between myself and myself. Between the part of   
myself that *knows* what I told Max was right…that "we" don't belong with "them"...  
  
And the part of myself that wishes I was wrong. For all of us. 


	4. "Breathtaken"

Breath-taken  
by pari106  
  
pari106@hotmail.com ; http://www.geocities.com/pari106/damain.html ; Disclaimer: DA   
is not mine; Rating: PG-13; Code: M/L, angst; Spoilers: "Hello, Goodbye"; Summary:   
Logan's reaction during the last of this ep.  
  
  
  
Pain can be paralyzing.  
  
I've always known this. Or so I thought. When I'd thought that Max had died…I   
couldn't move. But now… As she stands there, speaking, I can't breathe.  
  
I can't even breathe.   
  
At least I think that's her speaking. I can't believe this is Max. I can't believe what she's   
telling me. I don't recognize her anymore. I don't recognize myself. I can't believe this   
is the woman I've loved; the woman I've waited for. Telling me she's stopped waiting.   
  
"Tell me it isn't true," I've challenged her.  
  
"I can't," she's replied.  
  
I can't. I can't…   
  
I saw her. And him. I saw them, together, as he was leaving her apartment. A little too   
early this morning, a little too reluctantly… Alec. And Max. Max and Alec. I've asked   
her to tell me if I've gotten it wrong. I've challenged her to tell me it isn't true.  
  
And she's told me that she can't.  
  
This can't be Max. That's what can't be. Those can't be Max's words. This can't be   
me, listening to them.  
  
I can't even feel my own body, for Christ's sake. Or the glass in my hand. I know it's   
still there. I can swear I hear something shattering against the floor, but it's probably just   
my heart…  
  
"I can't."  
  
My heart… A heart that's prevailed against the deadliest virus known to man. Twice.   
Shattered by words.  
  
Words more painful than a botched mission in Wyoming. More devastating than a year   
wasted; than ten hours and fifty minutes stolen.   
  
Words more destructive than a bullet…more paralyzing…  
  
"I can't." And now:  
  
"It's over…We're done. Get used to it."  
  
Words that have taken my breath and given Max a means of escape. A means of   
escaping me.  
  
She leaves.  
  
And I've learned true pain. True paralysis. 


	5. "Enough of a Difference"

Enough of a Difference  
by pari106  
  
pari106@hotmail.com; http://www.geocities.com/pari106/damain.html; Disclaimer: DA is not mine;   
Rating: PG; Code: Short, Max, Logan, M/L; Summary: Max's POV during the confrontation scene at the   
end of "Hello, Goodbye".  
  
Author's Note: It's been done…but I did it anyhow. Thanks to everyone who's been reviewing my latest   
stuff, especially Kimmy :) I really appreciate it. Hope this one doesn't disappoint.  
  
  
  
  
  
"…tell me it's not true."  
  
A request; not a question. Not 'Is it true?' There isn't a lot of difference between the two, but there's   
enough. Enough to save us both; enough to save us from the weakening I feel to my resolve, when I look   
into his sad, angry eyes and am lost. Like I always am when I look into his face.  
  
It's enough of a difference to give me an out.  
  
"I can't," I say. It's all I can say. All I should say.  
  
I shouldn't tell him it isn't true, even though it isn't. Because telling him would give him hope, and I know   
now that we can't risk hope.  
  
I can't risk telling him a lot of things. Telling him he's crazy for doubting me; telling him he's crazy for   
doubting himself.  
  
Telling him I love him… I just…  
  
"I can't." It's all I say. All I need to say. Because the second I say it I see how it's hurt him; stabbed   
straight through him, a breath-taking pain. Just seeing it weakens my resolve yet again.  
  
So I keep talking. Just to remind myself why I can't let that happen.  
  
"It's over…" I continue.  
  
'My days of being selfish are over. Of jeopardizing your health for my happiness. It's all over.'  
  
"…we're done…"  
  
'Done pretending, done avoiding the issue. Waiting to decide whether or not the waiting is really worth the   
risk. The time to decide is now, and I have. It isn't worth it. Nothing is worth risking you. And so we're   
done.'  
  
"…get used to it."  
  
'Get used to it, Logan. Because I can't. But I'd rather learn to get used to not having you in my life, than   
not having you in yours. I'd rather not be used to having you gone, than grow used to having you dead.'  
  
I leave. And my leaving is an escape, not a retreat. I guess there isn't a lot of difference between the two,   
either. But there's enough of a difference. Enough so that when I leave…my heart doesn't leave with me.   
I know it never will. Even if I'll never be able to tell Logan that he's kept it with him for good. 


	6. "It Isn't Me"

"It Isn't Me."  
by pari106  
  
pari106@hotmail.com; http://www.geocities.com/pari106/damain.html; Disclaimer: DA is not mine;   
Rating: PG; Code: M/L; A/L; short; Summary: Keeping with the trend of wrapping up my "Inspired By"   
collections with an Alec/Logan piece, this is Alec's POV at the beginning of "Dawg Day Afternoon".   
  
  
  
  
It isn't me.  
  
That could be the story of my life.  
  
My whole life I've either been judged for the actions of someone I'm not, my brother, or I've been lying   
low…pretending to be something I'm not. Human. It's a theme that's governed some of the most   
important moments in my life.  
  
Standing in a cell in Seattle, coming face to face with my "breeding partner" for the first time…  
  
"Ben?" she'd whispered, as if in awe.  
  
'Who or what is "Ben"?' I'd wondered. Not me.  
  
Or sitting in another cell, a jail cell, almost a year later…still in Seattle, still claiming the same defense…  
  
The guards' eyes had seemed to speak to me as they'd walked by. They were the only ones who would   
speak to me. And what they said was "Murderer". "Psycho." All I could think in response was "It wasn't   
me…it isn't me."  
  
That's all I can think now, with Eyes Only up there on the t.v. screen. It wasn't me.  
  
It wasn't me who nearly took those eyes off the air. For good. Just like it hasn't been me those eyes have   
followed across a room… It hasn't been me Logan has risked his life, time and time again, just to be close   
to. It's never been me. Even though I've gotten the feeling, now and then, that it could have been. It could   
be me. If not for Max still hanging around… Hell, even with Max still around. If I only worked hard   
enough for it. And God knows it's worth working for.  
  
But I don't. I never have. Because I don't want to get Logan hurt. Or killed. Or worse.   
  
Still, he got hurt anyhow. And it wasn't me who hurt him, but it scared the hell out of me all the same.  
  
And it wasn't Max who cared…really cared enough to do the right thing, to protect him, until it was almost   
too late. But it's her he's still chasing after, all the same.  
  
"You know what this is about, don't you?" I say to her.  
  
"Logan's just trying to do what he thinks is right," she responds.  
  
Idiot.  
  
"He's reaching out to someone, Max," I tell her.  
  
And it sure as hell isn't me. That's the story of my life. 


End file.
